New York Times
An op-ed satirical piece about corporate interests during LGBT Pride Month.
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Kraft Heinz. Spreading Awareness, Deliciously. To celebrate Pride, we’re releasing the gayest condiment we could come up with: aioli. Perfect for your gay little salads, tuna sandwiches or crudité platters. Anything mayo can do, aioli can do, too! And at twice the price for the same recipe, we’ll be raking it in! It’s a win-win.
Mr. Clean. Multi-Surface, Poly-Surface and Bi-Surface Cleaning Products for All. This Pride, our Magic Erasers leave behind a glittery streak, which can be cleaned only with a different product, which we will be announcing in July.
Benjamin Moore. Let Your True Colors Show, All at the Same Time. We’ve combined all the colors of the Pride flag into a creamy midtone brown, available exclusively during June. We don’t really know what this color would be good for — maybe it’d be nice for a lobby bathroom, basement cabinets or the underside of a public bench — but you gays are creative.
Raytheon. Diva-stating Nations Across the World! We don’t like to get involved in Ru-politics, but for the right price, anything goes. We love a good slay!
Panda Express. Express Yourself! For Pride Month, your orange chicken comes in red, yellow, green, blue and purple, too! Enjoy indigestion in the full spectrum!
U-Haul. U-HaveToWait. We hear lesbians rush into things, so for June, we’re providing free moving boxes that don’t open for a year, because — let’s be real — it’s probably not going to last.
Carhartt. We Like It Rough. This June, Carhartt is celebrating the L.G.B.T.Q. kink community with canvas trousers, boots and outerwear that have even more loops and straps, for all the tools of your trade.
Monsanto. Spread Your Seed, Carefree! To celebrate Pride, we’ve developed extra fruity trees that can’t bear their own fruit but are just as valid as fruit-bearing trees.
Johnson & Johnson & Johnson. We’re Coming Out as Poly! To celebrate our third Johnson, we’re releasing a Band-Aid designed for throuples. Does it address the core problem? No, but it’s a quick fix for the moment.
Dairy Queen. Serving Ice Cream and Realness. This month only, we aren’t Dairy Queen; we’re Dairy Drag Queen! Get your sloppy toppings all June at a D.Q.I.A.+ near you. Each order comes with a free Harvey Milkshake of your choosing.